Library Blog Addendum - Dear Reading Room, You Suck.

What better venue do I have to bitch about stuff than this lovely blog? I'll have to go back to kicking baby animals after this trip. I promise, this is my last bitchy blog. Blogs to come: my students (really!) and more Australian lingo.


While in Melbourne, I've been doing some research with the Percy Grainger Museum. Percy Grainger was an Australian composer who lived in the U.S. for sometime and helped Henry Cowell (my website guy) get out of prison. The Grainger Museum is currently closed for renovations (and has been for 5+ years). So, if I want to look at any documents, I have to place an order and the lovely Grainger Museum people bring the documents to the University of Melbourne's, [EVIL] READING ROOM.

The people in the reading room SUCK. Big time. They make me crazy. My heart has been racing since I left that place today, although I probably just need to eat lunch. Here are some of their policies:


Policy 01.008 - You can only use pencils in the reading room. Sometimes you can bring your own pencils. Sometimes you can't. We decide depending on how much fiber we've had today.

Policy 01.467 - You can look at all of the materials you ordered at the same time unless it's Tuesday and we're pissed at our kids. Then it's only two boxes at a time. In this case we will tell you that "Our policy is usually only two boxes at a time (meaning today)."

Policy 01.666 - When you finish with your boxes you must make a note when you will return on the blue form. If the old blind lady is working you have to fill out an additional pink form.

Policy 01.666.a - If you will return to view your documents within a week, you do not have to fill out the blue form. If you will return within a week, you still have to fill out the blue form. You have to write when you will return no matter what. If you are returning one day later than you said, you don't need to write it on the blue form. If you try to follow any of the above policies, we will laugh at you and tell you what the policy really is.

Policy 05.086 - If you need extra copy request forms, the front desk lady will happily oblige.
Policy 05.087 - If you need an extra orange material marker form, the front desk lady will laugh at you.
Policy 05.088 - If you ask if you should sign the triplicate copy request forms in pencil, the front desk lady will laugh at you.
Policy 05.089 - If you ask for scratch paper, the front desk lady will laugh at you.

Policy 0898 - Any documents requested from the Grainger Museum will really confuse the reading room staff. They really wish it was "archival material." "Did you order archival material?" No, Grainger Museum. "Didn't you have archival material?" No, Grainger Museum. "Hmm, I'll have to check to see if we have Grainger Museum items." I was here yesterday looking at Grainger Museum items. "We have a lot of archival material."

Policy 32978 - The front desk staff will always be very troubled by your name, staring at your ID for a minimum of 30 seconds when you hand it to them. They also have a tremendously difficult time finding your ID card at the end of your session. In their defense, at any given time there are up to 3 people (and 3 ID cards on file) in the reading room.

Policy 1000 - Pretty much everyone in the Reading Room is lucky to have a job as they are incapable of doing much other than sharpen pencils and push a remote control for the door. They work for shifts of an hour or less and are hired because of their innate ability to either A) look totally clueless, B) laugh at you, or preferably C) both.

Okay, that's it. Thanks, I feel better.

The Library Awards

Hello, my name is Stacey and I'm a library addict. I currently have items checked out from four different libraries in Melbourne. I've hit my item limit at most libraries to which I've belonged and I've contributed to the library economy on numerous occasions.

The LIBRARY is also one of a handful of inventions that make me believe in the promise of the human race. I'm serious. "Sure, you can take this book, we trust you. Just bring it back." Fantastic!

Admittedly, libraries also piss me off, a lot, but I blame this on two things: A-stupid people and B-the idiotic, bureaucratic policies that ensue because of stupid people

So,

I'm here to present THE LIBRARY AWARDS to libraries in my life: past and present.


Best library fine policy - Lenton Parr Library, Victorian College of the Arts:

THIS IS NO JOKE. This is their freakin' fine policy. I'm cutting and pasting it verbatim from the website:

Rolling Credit

• Fines are not payable until the total fines on your record reach or exceed $15.00.
• Once $15.00 is reached, all fines are payable.
• Once paid and your record cleared, the Library will offer you another $15.00 credit. This rolling credit is a goodwill gesture, and should assist those who do not consistently return items late.

What does this mean? It means can I incur up to $14.99 in fines and leave Melbourne with no fine record. Amazing!


Best Graduate Student item limit: University of Wisconsin-Madison

250 per semester, each item renewable for up to 6 semesters. I basically had the whole of the Henry Cowell, John Cage and Xenakis collections out of the library for three years. Yes, I once hit the 250 limit. Yes, I once recalled something from myself because I didn't realize I had it home. I told you, ADDICTED.




Best collection of travel books: City of Madison library, Central Branch.

I put this one in for Cory.



Most horrendous shelving system: Lenton Parr Library, Victorian College of the Arts

The picture below shows you the piano music collection here. It is a freakin' danger zone, Kenny Loggins. No dewey decimal, no Library of Congress, just QPJZBach300 or something, followed by QPXYLiszt410 and then maybe some KabalevskyXXX thrown in to make it sexy.




Most bizarre in-house policy: Music Library, University of Melbourne-Parkville

There are these signs in the study cubicles that say "SILENT AREA: By sitting in this study carrel you have chosen to work in a 'No Talking' Area. Please observe this and consider the people around you." There are tables near the cubicles full of students chatting about their sex lives like it's going out of style.

As far as I can tell, the policy means, "Just because you want to sit quietly in a cubicle, doesn't mean other people don't need to TALK. Consider these verbose individuals and start talking to yourself. Don't make them feel left out."



Most amazing system of frustrating bureaucratic bullshit that still gets me mad months and years after my time has been wasted: University of Wisconsin-Madison, libraries and school inclusive

I've told you about my copy card issue. Here's a tale of having to pay library fines.
Step one: Returned item late, incurred library fine
Step two: Not allowed to register until fine is paid, forced to go pay fine
Step three: Told at circulation desk that I must go to circulation office to pay fine
Step four: Told by circulation office that I must go to the 'third floor' to pay fine
Step five: Told by 'third floor' that I cannot pay fine in cash today
Step six: Upon returning to the 'third floor' with a checkbook and giving them a check, am told to take my receipt back to the circulation office to clear my account
Step seven: Circulation office clears my account and gives me a receipt printed on a machine with paper from 1964, so my receipt is a faint blue, unreadable memory of payment
Step eight: Begin the process of registration, that will inevitably be far more painful than paying a library fine. I don't think I'm ready to tell this tale.

How to Cuss in Australian

*Disclaimer*
This blog will include bad words.

Let me first say that I'm having serious arm troubles, serious enough that I might actually fix them this time. I'm not sure what this means right now, but probably, some sort of long-term rehabilitation. That's all you get 'cause that's all I really know at the moment. But... I am getting back to what I like best - researching things that have nothing to do with my professional life, like how nuclear power works and why it does more harm than good, how to make vegetable stock, and why Karl Urban is so freakin' sweet. Anyways, I have to take it easy on the typing, but I don't want to disappoint my faithful readers (Mom).


How to Cuss in Australian:
I don't cuss a lot except when I'm drunk, or playing in the band, or when I'm drunk AND playing in the band. Don't bring your kids to Attack Ponies shows. I guess I'm no more of an expert on cussing than anyone else, but teaching college kids gives me a bit of an advantage.

What I hear the most is the use of shit. The difference is that in the U.S. we often combine it with something else:

"This computer is a piece of shit."
"That is a bunch of shit."
"He's a real shithead."

In Australia, they just say shit:
"This computer is shit."
"That's shit."
"He's shit."

I'd say the only similar use of shit is shit itself, but just in the cussing form. For example, let's say you look into the broiler after it doesn't light, and then try to light it again, and fiery gas shoots out and burns off half your eyebrows and some of your hair, you might say SHIT!, both in the U.S. AND Australia. I don't know about the use of shit in the vernacular, but I do know that Australians would more likely say poo instead of poop.

I hear fuck a lot (especially from my students when they mess up, but that's another post, coming soon!). I also hear cunt a fair amount and I think they use that more than bitch. They're not nice words, but there you go.

I don't think I've ever heard a commandment-breaking sort of cuss or really any combination of God, damn, dammit, Jesus Christ, H., or what have you.

Ass is arse. For example, if you're watching "Blade II" and Whistler says "I built this operation, you ass-wipe!" the Australian subtitle will say "I built this operation, you arse-wipe!" Truth is, I've only seen arse on subtitles. I haven't actually heard anyone say it.

I guess that about covers it.

p.s. Australians love Hugh Jackman, lots and lots and lots and lots.

Alex and Stacey in Australia

Alex has been here three weeks and she's loving it. I also know that she never checks this blog so I can say whatever I want. Her hostel roommates are definitely the highlight of her experience to date. Those kids are great. Here are some of their more endearing features:

1) They have a DANCE PARTY! every weekend. Two weekends ago it started at midnight, went to 10:30 am and Eric Bana showed up.
2) Alex once saw her Irish hostel mate in yellow cleaning gloves, and a large green, glittery top hat reading, "Top o' the Morning!"
3) The bathroom is amazing. Features include: 1 inch of standing water, garbage on the floor in the water, empty garbage cans (next to floor-water garbage), and drains frequently clogged with ash-tray remains. (Where else would you put your butts? In the garbage?)
4) One of her recent roommates is such a good packer, she was able to fit her 6 favorite plush animals in her suitcase.

So what have we been up to? See below...

Last weekend we went to a rock show. It was poser central. Fashion alert: Flock of Seagulls haircuts are very hip in Melbourne right now.




We went to BINGO! and saw a different cross-section of Melbourne society. I won $100. Alex almost won a bag of seeds.

Our supplies.

Our competitors.

We look good in track lighting

Bingo at this place included no letters and yet, you still yell, BINGO! There were also a bunch of side games going on that we didn't get. "Okay, now it's time for your purple raffle cards...This is the super bonus round for meti-card holders...Your pull tabs are available for marking"

HEADS DOWN - is also a big phrase at Bingo. Once someone yells bingo, a girl goes over to her, reads all her numbers at breakneck speed, and the head-bingo-lady says, "That's a correct call," (except the one time I yelled bingo and didn't have all the numbers and got reprimanded. When the girl reads back your numbers it sounds like "hullabefortaugerreda" or something. After she read my numbers, the head bingo lady said, "76?, No, there's no 76", HEADS DOWN). Once it's confirmed, the bingo girl gives the person some amount of $50s. Then the head-bingo-lady says something like, "red card number 44368 HEADS DOWN."


During the month of April, Melbourne holds the "International Comedy Festival" (in Melbourne). I was gonna go see Janeane Garofolo, but the tickets were $60. I figured I could not see Janeane Garofolo for less in the U.S. However, I did buy Alex and I tickets to "Potted Potter," a kids show during which two guys re-enact all 7 Harry Potter books in 70 minutes. It includes a very scary dragon and a live game of Quidditch. There were some totally nerdy kids there reading books and shit.


Alex trying Vegemite.


At the pub 1.

At the pub 2.

At the pub 3.

My birthday present from Alex. We've already had quite the party with the Laser Party Light Show. It was rad and Eric Bana showed up.